He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
