I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
