My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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