i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
