I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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