Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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