I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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