Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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