I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
