I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
