Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
