I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
