I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
