after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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