Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
