I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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