i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
