Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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