Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
