I looked at my own cervix.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
