I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
