I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
