I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
