I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
