drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
