Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
