why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
