I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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