you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
