New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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