Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
