you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Shame is for Republicans.
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