No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
