is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
