I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
