You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
