the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
