If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
