when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
