can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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