Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
