yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
