party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
