glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
