My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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