I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
