The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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