areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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