A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
They have beer where we have blood.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
