Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
