so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
