He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
