I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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