Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Floor bacon is actually really good
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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