ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
