Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
